feel this, don't dismiss it

It's been 2 weeks since I met with Coach.  I basically expressed everything I was feeling in my last blog.  She said I need help, I need more time to myself and the only real caregiver I have for my kids not only undermines some of my parenting authority, but my autistic child is constantly asking for her, making me feel like crap. 

I lost it when I said, "Nobody wants to watch an autistic 5 year old."  Yah, it sucks.  I feel stuck when some days I just need a break.  Paying for a sitter isn't the right option either, as we are tight on money and unfortunately insurance doesn't pay for respite.  They should... they really should.  It's not just me that is hurting.

Coach brought to my attention that I dismiss any negative feelings I have and that I don't allow myself to truly feel those feelings.   I see what she means.  She said don't compare my situation with anyone else.  It's not about the other people, it's about me.  Other people's situation may be better or it may be worse, but I need to dismiss those types of thoughts.  Those types of thoughts are not validating.  She said that is what I was doing with those types of thoughts.  She said that I was having those thoughts because I thought that it helped define my circumstances, but they weren't allowing me to move forward and heal.  Those thoughts dismissed any sort of real feelings I had about the situation.  I see it now.  It's really not about them, it's about me.

I cried a lot in her office today.  She said she just wanted me to feel that and wallow for awhile.  She says I need to feel the pain, hurt, whatever it is to be able to heal and move forward.  I did.  I cried several times today.  Good thing I didn't have a lot going on. 

A long Summer

This summer isn't quite what I expected.

My hubby has been to several week long trainings to prepare him for this implementation that is happening now at work.  This has been happening in the last month or so.  It'll last until this fall.

What does this mean for me?  Hubby is gone.  A lot.  It's 9:30pm and he's still working.  I don't know when he'll be home.  He basically goes in to work at 5 or 5:30am and works until I tell him I'd like him to come home.  It sucks.

He'll usually come home to grab a quick bite and say hello to the kids, but then he's off.  This is how I am spending my summer and early fall.

Long days without any help with the kids leaves me quite frazzled.  By the time he's around I'm done.  I'm tired emotionally and physically.  I would have went for a run tonight, but couldn't because I had to be here with the kids.  I really wanted to run, but somehow a bowl of ice cream was an acceptable substitute.

Ho hum.  


 

This and That

I guess I should first address my lack of WIW.  After talking with a few different people, I'm not going to weigh in weekly anymore.  I think I'm going to shoot for a monthly weigh in.  That's what I was doing at the gym and it worked a lot better than a weekly weight in.  So yah, that's the plan there!

I had a good month where my moods were good, I felt good, life was good.  The last 2 week or so I've been pretty blah.  Blah blah blah.  As I have addressed, I've been seeing a therapist.  I'm going to refer to her as Coach.  Her last name is actually Coach, but it's spelled different.    Coach asked me what has changed, why I've been blah lately.  The only thing I can think of is the lack of "me" time which she specifically said is something I need.  This is why I like her.  LOL.   I haven't ran in the last 2 weeks.  My couch to 5k program came to a screeching halt after I got a big gash on my shin and had to get a tetanus shot.  Now that that is healing and not in any pain (well, unless you put pressure on it I may kick you) I will be able to run again.  I'm shooting for Thursday.  That will be the day.  Plus, I'm going to sign up for a 5k at the end of July to help keep me motivated.  Yay for moving forward.  It'll be my very 1st 5k!

Another thought after watching "Losing it with Jillian (Michaels)" tonight is this, "Why choose failure when success is an option?"  This goes back to my whole needing to love and value myself.  I tend to choose failure.  Failure sucks.  I'm better than that.  I deserve success.

Coach also helped me realize that I need validation.  I have a hard time validating myself and it's because I didn't get much of it when I was growing up.  If something was wrong in little Mandy's world, my parents gave me food to comfort.  They also gave food as rewards.  We never discussed feelings.  It's no surprise I have issues.  I knew the last 2 things before meeting Coach, but the validation part is most interesting.

I did a sleep study last week.  That was interesting.  I'm always so tired, even after a plenty of sleep.  I can get as little at 6 hours and as much as 11 hours and no matter what, I'm still tired.  I'm tired of being tired, so this was the next step.  I have an appointment on the 21st to meet with my doctor to go over the results and hopefully figure this out for good.

The sleep study consisted of me being wired up to 28 wired, sleeping from about 11pm to 6 am and then taking 5, 20 minute naps.  I slept all 5 naps, I knew I would going in to it.  I got to the clinic about 8pm and was able to leave about 5pm.  The naps were every 2 hours, so at 8, 10, 12, 2, and 4pm.  So, now we wait for the results.

Well, I need to get to bed.  I <3 my sleep.  Goodnight!

Tomorrow is a new day!