It's been 2 weeks since I met with Coach. I basically expressed everything I was feeling in my last blog. She said I need help, I need more time to myself and the only real caregiver I have for my kids not only undermines some of my parenting authority, but my autistic child is constantly asking for her, making me feel like crap.
I lost it when I said, "Nobody wants to watch an autistic 5 year old." Yah, it sucks. I feel stuck when some days I just need a break. Paying for a sitter isn't the right option either, as we are tight on money and unfortunately insurance doesn't pay for respite. They should... they really should. It's not just me that is hurting.
Coach brought to my attention that I dismiss any negative feelings I have and that I don't allow myself to truly feel those feelings. I see what she means. She said don't compare my situation with anyone else. It's not about the other people, it's about me. Other people's situation may be better or it may be worse, but I need to dismiss those types of thoughts. Those types of thoughts are not validating. She said that is what I was doing with those types of thoughts. She said that I was having those thoughts because I thought that it helped define my circumstances, but they weren't allowing me to move forward and heal. Those thoughts dismissed any sort of real feelings I had about the situation. I see it now. It's really not about them, it's about me.
I cried a lot in her office today. She said she just wanted me to feel that and wallow for awhile. She says I need to feel the pain, hurt, whatever it is to be able to heal and move forward. I did. I cried several times today. Good thing I didn't have a lot going on.
It's good advice, as hard as it is. *HUGS*
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